Questionable Question and Answer Sites

I was brought up in a house which taught me to be courteous and chivalrous. (Which is one of the reasons Mrs Cardz and I met.) It is because of this upbringing that whenever I get the opportunity I like to help people. When I was bored at work or done what I was doing online I used to troll a few question/answer sites to see if I could lend someone some advice. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to do so. However, the other day I was running an enormous query and had some time to spare so I figured I check back in with these sites. What I found made me sick to my stomach.

There were more then a few questions from men and women that, although they varied greatly in wording, can be summed up into these four categories

“My spouse is talking to another woman/man should I be jealous?”

“My spouse no longer wants to have sex. Should I leave them?”

“My spouse wants to try BDSM/Anal/a threesome/etc. They’re Sick!”

“My spouse cheated on me. Should I get a divorce?”

In almost EVERY case there were people who jumped right to telling the person to get a divorce. These are people who don’t know the entire story. People who don’t realize that what they are telling this person to do could drastically change the person’s life. Now I hope that the person with questions will consider all routes before making any rash decisions but it kills me to think that there are people out there taking this advice to heart.

What bothers me, just as much as people actually acting on this advice, is the responses others (including myself) get when we come out as being swingers or have questions about the lifestyle. More often then not when a debate about swinging arises the first volley sent by the opposition (which includes many of these “advisors”) is “What about your wedding vows?”

Perhaps I was too awe-struck by the beauty of the then “soon to be” Mrs Cardz that I missed that part of the ceremony. However I am pretty sure that my wedding vows and those vows that I’ve heard at the dozens of weddings I’ve gone to went something like this.

"I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

I don’t remember EVER saying we will only experience attraction to each other, I promise to never talk to another person of the opposite sex in anything but a formal manner, or even I will never have sex with anyone else but you.

I do remember saying that this vow is for the entirety of my life. That regardless of what financial, emotional, personal, or physical issues we may encounter I will be there to work them out with you. An amendment was never added to that statement that said if I become jealous because you look or talk to another person or if we can not fulfill each other’s needs this binding promise is void and we will go our separate ways. I’m sure if there was such a clause a red flag would have gone off.

My advice to every one of these people both advice seeker and advice giver is to talk to their partner. Communication has NEVER been a bad thing. Assumptions, rash decisions, and miscommunication rarely lead to good outcomes.

If something your spouse is doing makes you jealous first ask yourself what about it triggers this emotion then talk to your partner. Explain to them that you feel uncomfortable and that you may need to be reassured that you are the only person for them.

If your partner has wants or needs either in or out of the bedroom that you are unsure about talk to them. Find out what it is that they want and why they want to do it. If you still have an issue with the idea, offer an alternative or a way that you can slowly and easily work your way up to your partner’s desires. Your counterpart will be grateful that you are showing an interest in what it is that they want.

And finally on the subject of cheating. If your spouse cheats on you it could be because of one of a million reasons. The only way to find out exactly why is to talk to them. Getting angry and filing for divorce is only going to leave you alone and with unanswered questions. Wouldn’t it be easier and more beneficial if you both swallowed your pride, sat down, and talked about what happened and how to fix it?

That’s just my two cents. Consider it advice for the questions you may never have asked on one of these sites.

~Jack