Follow the White Rabbit

Mentally preparing myself to have a kid has been extremely difficult and internally conflicting. To the point that I don’t know if this post is going to make any sense or if it’s just going to turn into a jumble of six or seven stream of conscious thoughts.

I know that I do not fully understand the impact that this child will have on me. And I’m pretty sure I will not understand until it has already happen but some changes (which I’m sure will occur) I just can’t see happening at this time. For instance I was talking with a friend the other day. She being the mother of two boys had just gotten back from a day trip to some sort of Train Amusement Park and she said something along the lines of “That’ll be you some day.” I retorted that “Nah, I’m not a fan of trains.” Her response kind of irked me. She said “It doesn’t matter if you like them. If your kids like them then you’ll do it.” I quickly ended the conversation after she said that. Thinking to myself “Why would I do something that I don’t want to do.” Selfish, I know. But for the last 12 years it’s been Mrs. Cardz and I against the world. We have just done whatever we want whenever we want.

Now I don’t consider myself a selfish person but I can’t help but feel bad about my thought process during that conversation. Although on one hand I still agree with it. Now, I’m sure all of this will change once the baby is born. I’m sure thoughts of myself will fade and hopes for the baby will fill that void but I’m a bit afraid that that won’t be the case and that I will resent our decision to have a child because I can’t think about myself anymore.

Now the odd part about all this is as I am writing this post I am looking at baby furniture online, reading up on 2nd trimester information, and I just got done updating the website we set up to keep our friends and family up-to-date on the pregnancy. I know, I am one conflicted soon to be father.

I have little doubts that I could be a Great Father. I just need to learn to stop thinking about me and start thinking about others. Mainly my soon to be born child. I have always thought about Mrs. Cardz; Her feeling, her thoughts, her desires. And maybe that is because I love her. Maybe the reason I can’t take into consideration that baby’s feelings, thoughts, and desires is because I have not et met the little one to fall in love with him/her.

I have heard the adage that ‘Women become Mothers when they find out they are pregnant but Men become Fathers when they first see the baby’. And maybe this internal turmoil is what they mean by that. I care about Mrs. Cardz well being (that’s for sure) and the health of the unborn child but perhaps I won’t truly love the baby until it is born.

For now I’m going to go look at car seats. ;)

One conflicted and slightly scared Soon-to-be-Father

~Jack