When I was younger I imagined my life to be much like my parent’s. Meet a great person in high school, graduate, get married, have a litter of offspring. For the most part I followed their example with a few exceptions. Mrs Cardz and I met while we were in high school we both graduated (me one year ahead of her) but then we both went to college. We would have gotten married while still in school but due to forces beyond our control that was not an option.
After college we both started our careers and eventually married. It was at that point and time that we decided to hold off on having kids. We wanted to establish ourselves in the working world and as a married couple. Most of our friends that we had had during our school years began having children while we were content with practicing our technique together.
This coupled with the fact that we were venturing into an alternative lifestyle has caused us to grow apart from those friends. However this new lifestyle has brought us closer to a whole new group of people. The only downfall I see to this is that our new friends (on average) are a bit older then us and most of them have already had kids. This thought alone gives me hope for our future but at the same time concerns me.
I’m, sure if you have been reading this blog, you already know that I tend to over analyze everything and this subject is probably getting the most of my worries because it is certainly life-changing and is currently a very real possibility. Mrs Cardz and I have been discussing having kids in the coming years. Neither of us wants to be “old parents”. We want to run around and play with our kids and live long enough to see them get married and have kids of their own.
Those thoughts make me smile it’s all of the other crap that goes along with being a parent that SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME! Like full on debilitating terror.
1) I like having freedom. I like being able to call up our friends and say “Hey let’s go to the bar” and 20 minutes later be at said bar. I know that kids will damn near put an end to that. Even if we do get the opportunity to go out we’ll have to find a sitter for the kids, pack them up, take them to where they need to go, and a plethora of other To-Do’s that I won’t know til it happens.
2) We don’t argue very often. Really we have very few squabbles and when we do there really nothing noteworthy. I see so many couple with kids that spend more time arguing then they do looking at their spouse. It terrifies me. I don’t like confrontation especially with my wife. Why inject that into our lives?
3) We enjoy sex. We like being able to have sex anytime and any place. The more I read and hear from couples with kids the more I hear about how they are the worst little cock-blocks you could have. Forget having an active sex life let alone one that has any sort of romance or passion. I have no interest in abstinence. Sex is just too big of a part of my life. And I don’t want the sex that we may have to be tired, lifeless, just do it to do it, sex.
4) Lastly, and this is where I get the “Asshole” moniker, I’m afraid I won’t be attracted to my wife anymore. Again this may be irrational. My wife is gorgeous. I think so on the physical, mental, and spiritual levels. She’s got a tiny bit of weight but that’s what I like. I look at some anorexicly thin girls and think “I’d break her”. Mrs Cardz can go punch for punch with me (sometimes literally) but still looks good in a two piece bathing suit. I’m concerned that, during her pregnancy and even afterwards, I won’t be attracted to her. Yes it may be shallow but it’s how I feel. I have fears that she will put on a lot of weight and not be able to lose it again. Or worse get so exhausted by the kids that she’ll have no desire to lose the weight. I have seen many women have kids and a month later they look better then they did before. I know my wife and I’m sure that won’t be the case. I know I’ll still love her and still me attracted both mentally and spiritually but I’m afraid of losing the physical.
These fears may not seem valid to you or may seem shallow but it’s how I feel. This is such a big step in our lives that I am bound to have concerns. The way I see it is the only way to conquer these fears is to actually face them and have kids but then it may be too late. It may cause our relationship to head in the wrong direction.
Who knows?
~Jack
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